Patience in my Practice

Yesterday was an emotionally intense morning. I woke up already feeling physically drained, even though I had gotten eight hours of sleep. The long hours and overload of information was starting to wear on me.

I made my way to the yoga room and tried to mentally prepare for my first ashtanga yoga class. All I knew about ashtanga is that it’s more difficult, so I found a place in the back row.

As we started the class with a series of speedy sun salutations, I was feeling tired but hopeful. As we began to transition into the other poses, though, my confidence quickly began to diminish. We kept doing one pose after another that I wasn’t able to do. So many hamstring poses. So many folds. Towards the end of the class my mind began to spiral out of control about literally every single one of my bodily insecurities. I couldn’t stop focusing on the negative, and also began to worry more about my hamstring injury.

In one particularly difficult pose towards the end of class the tears started forming. It’s another day of feeling completely inadequate. Another day of thinking, “Why am I here? I don’t fit in with all these yoga models that can do the splits and nail every pose.”

In shavasana the tears came again, and I was happy that the class was over.

I headed to breakfast, where I ate and tried to get back into a positive mindset and to stop comparing myself to others. I know it’s toxic to compare myself to others and that nothing good will come from it, but it’s especially difficult when I’m constantly surrounded by good looking, confident women who seem like yoga masters next to me.

I went up to get a glass of coconut water, and someone that I’ve barely spoken to all week came up to me and complimented me on my practice. She said that I have great athleticism and that she can tell that I’m very dedicated to every pose.

I just about cried right then and there because she said exactly what I needed to hear. It’s like she knew that I needed a boost of confidence. When I tried to mention that I’m not flexible and that I struggle a lot with yoga, she said something that stuck with me. You can’t be bad at yoga, just like you can’t be bad at walking. We all just do it differently.

After that, I tried to reflect again and put things into a more realistic light. While it’s impossible to completely stop comparing myself to others, especially when I’m learning a new pose and need to glance around to see how to do it, I did notice that I’ve mostly been comparing myself to the most flexible people in the group, which only makes things worse.

Today I take a step back, close my eyes, and focus solely on my own practice. Everyone has a different body, and everyone is at a different place with their personal yoga journey. Instead of obsessing about what I can’t do, I am going to appreciate the journey that I’m on and the progress that I’m making. I can’t do everything, but I can be proud and appreciate that I did a handstand on my first attempt! The rest will come with time.