Patience in my Practice

Yesterday was an emotionally intense morning. I woke up already feeling physically drained, even though I had gotten eight hours of sleep. The long hours and overload of information was starting to wear on me.

I made my way to the yoga room and tried to mentally prepare for my first ashtanga yoga class. All I knew about ashtanga is that it’s more difficult, so I found a place in the back row.

As we started the class with a series of speedy sun salutations, I was feeling tired but hopeful. As we began to transition into the other poses, though, my confidence quickly began to diminish. We kept doing one pose after another that I wasn’t able to do. So many hamstring poses. So many folds. Towards the end of the class my mind began to spiral out of control about literally every single one of my bodily insecurities. I couldn’t stop focusing on the negative, and also began to worry more about my hamstring injury.

In one particularly difficult pose towards the end of class the tears started forming. It’s another day of feeling completely inadequate. Another day of thinking, “Why am I here? I don’t fit in with all these yoga models that can do the splits and nail every pose.”

In shavasana the tears came again, and I was happy that the class was over.

I headed to breakfast, where I ate and tried to get back into a positive mindset and to stop comparing myself to others. I know it’s toxic to compare myself to others and that nothing good will come from it, but it’s especially difficult when I’m constantly surrounded by good looking, confident women who seem like yoga masters next to me.

I went up to get a glass of coconut water, and someone that I’ve barely spoken to all week came up to me and complimented me on my practice. She said that I have great athleticism and that she can tell that I’m very dedicated to every pose.

I just about cried right then and there because she said exactly what I needed to hear. It’s like she knew that I needed a boost of confidence. When I tried to mention that I’m not flexible and that I struggle a lot with yoga, she said something that stuck with me. You can’t be bad at yoga, just like you can’t be bad at walking. We all just do it differently.

After that, I tried to reflect again and put things into a more realistic light. While it’s impossible to completely stop comparing myself to others, especially when I’m learning a new pose and need to glance around to see how to do it, I did notice that I’ve mostly been comparing myself to the most flexible people in the group, which only makes things worse.

Today I take a step back, close my eyes, and focus solely on my own practice. Everyone has a different body, and everyone is at a different place with their personal yoga journey. Instead of obsessing about what I can’t do, I am going to appreciate the journey that I’m on and the progress that I’m making. I can’t do everything, but I can be proud and appreciate that I did a handstand on my first attempt! The rest will come with time.

Welcome to Bali

I can definitely say that I’ve started my yoga teacher training in Bali with a bang! I’m writing this from the top bunk of a 10+ feet tall bunk bed in a room that I’m sharing with 3 other women. It’s now 7pm, and I skipped the last class of the day due to vomiting because I’ve gotten the infamous “Bali belly.”

I arrived at the hostel right as the opening ceremony was beginning on Sunday night, so I didn’t have time to check in, but went straight to the ceremony. I was greeted with a flower necklace and joined the circle on the floor with my fellow classmates.

The ceremony was great, infused with some traditional Balinese traditions, but I was so jet lagged and tired from the 24 hours of travel that I was basically delirious by the end of it. I went to my room and was a bit surprised by the accommodation. It’s been a while since I stayed at a hostel, and even longer since I’ve slept in a bunk bed and shared a room with 3 others. After a few days I’m getting used to it, but I do miss my privacy. At least I figured out on the second day that we do have hot water, and that they just had to refill the tank!

Three days in, and I’ve cried at least 5-6 times, and already had thoughts of, “what am I doing here?” on more than one occasion. This is definitely going to be a test of my endurance, strength, and mental capacity. I’m overwhelmed by how much I need to learn in the next three and half weeks, and it’s difficult not to notice that I am the least flexible in the class and can’t do a lot of the postures. Besides the physical aspect, though, the feelings that arise during meditation, singing, and practicing are intense.

My first tears came on the morning of day two. We start every day with a 7am meditation, and after the singing, dancing and quiet meditation, the monk led us through a process of putting our hands out, imagining a flower in our hands, and offering it up. As I thought of all the things I want to let go of, including my expectations, how I am comparing myself to others, uncertainty of whether or not I will succeed, and many more doubts, I was overcome with emotion.

This is going to be an intense few weeks. I’m ready and excited, but it’s definitely going to be a journey. Even something as basic as sitting on the floor all day is extremely challenging for me. I have very tight hips and rarely sit cross legged, so it’s very difficult on my hips and back to have all my classes and breakfast every day sitting on the floor. It’s more than 6 hours a day!

I’m finally starting to feel better after vomiting up everything I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, but I do need all the sleep I can get so I’ll be ready to take on tomorrow. One day at a time!

Opening Ceremony

Less is More

Before I left for Greece, I had to get rid of a lot of things. My parents were kind enough to store a few items, but for the most part I was selling and giving away most of what I owned. I worked on it over the course of a few months so I wouldn’t be too overwhelmed.

During this process, there was a change in my buying patterns. I was more aware of what I bought, and I asked myself if I would put what I wanted to buy in one of my two suitcases for Greece. If the answer was no, I wouldn’t buy it.

Previously, being in a place where I was surrounded by people buying things online and shipping them to work, I started to fall into the habit as well. It’s fun to receive packages, I had extra disposable income for the first time, and I started to understand the meaning of retail therapy.

I had another major change being in Greece. When I first arrived I still had the urge to buy things. I felt like my wardrobe was too American so I wanted more island style clothes, and I wanted to buy this or that little thing just for fun.

About 2 months into living there though, I had a feeling of complete contentment. I had no urge to buy anything, and it felt weird and amazing and liberating. I hadn’t felt that in so long, and it was incredible not to want to buy things just because.

When I returned to the US, it was crazy how quickly I fell into the feeling of needing to buy things again. In the US there is so much marketing and advertising, and it seems like it’s made to make you feel inadequate or incomplete if you don’t buy a product.

On top of the advertising, the pure abundance of things to buy was overwhelming. I’m not going to lie, I did miss the convenience of Amazon Prime and Target, but walking through the huge stores in the US is overwhelming, and I did feel more impulse to buy things I didn’t need.

I’m still trying to live a more minimalistic lifestyle, and not having a “home” right now makes it easier since I don’t have anywhere to store things I buy. I do hope, though, that as I settle down that I will remember to buy only the things I really need and will use, and to feel that contentment once again.

To Be Alone, Or Not to Be Alone

I’m laughing now, but I was crying last night. I had a pretty emotional evening, and then proceeded to write what I thought was the most raw and honest post about being human. And then I accidentally deleted it.

So there I was, alone with a bottle of wine and my tears, crying at the loss of what I thought was my blogging masterpiece.

I don’t think I can re-create the words, but I’ll share my thoughts from this morning.

I have been back in San Francisco for a pretty short time, and I have had a tremendous amount of anxiety about it. I thought I would be so excited to see all my friends and share about my experiences, but instead I have closed myself off.

I had a grand plan to make a Facebook post and share where I’ll be so that I can see as many people as possible, and instead I did nothing. I haven’t texted anyone and I haven’t made a post, so instead I spent most of the past two days alone.

I don’t hate being alone. I was thinking about going to the movies alone, going to the park alone, and going to dinner alone. As much as I want to see people, I also like doing things on my own. The thing is, I’m worried that it’s too last minute to make plans, and the grand idea of seeing everyone will instead turn out to be me waiting at a bar alone and no one showing up. As much as I like to be alone, I don’t like to be alone if I’m expecting people.

So instead of making myself vulnerable and setting expectations to see people, I have chosen to be alone. Last night, I bought a cheap bottle of wine and went home to cook for myself. I never cook, so it was a challenge and I was proud of myself for doing it. Even though I kind of wanted to be out, the idea of the Saturday night crowds made the decision to stay in even easier.

And then, after half the bottle was gone, I began to feel lonely. I lived in Mykonos for almost three months and didn’t feel lonely, yet spending time in San Francisco, a place where I lived for almost seven years, has made me feel the loneliest.

Maybe it’s because I no longer live here. I don’t have a home. I’ve never had this feeling before, and maybe that’s part of the anxiety of seeing people. If they ask for my future plans, I don’t have any past August 6th. While I’m seeing it as exciting and something to look forward to, the thought of trying to explain myself feels draining.

Despite my love for solitude, though, today I will challenge myself to connect with friends and prevent the lonely girl with a bottle of wine from re-emerging tonight. So, even though I don’t have my (what I thought at the time) incredible, written masterpiece, here’s some insight to the anxious and lonely human side of me.

Always Be Learning

When I quit my job and moved to Mykonos, I wanted to make sure that I continued to challenge myself in new ways. I was very worried about learning Greek, but I was up for the challenge. I'm not going to lie, Greek is a very difficult language to learn, but if I'm going to live somewhere, I want to put in the effort to learn about the culture and the language.

What's great is that everyone here is very supportive and happy that I'm learning Greek. I have become a regular at a few different spots, and I love to share what I learned that day and practice speaking. A little goes a long way when people can see that you are putting in the effort to learn, and the locals truly appreciate it, even if they all speak English.

In addition to learning Greek, I am pushing myself in other ways. I'm taking a pilates class twice a week, and let me tell you, Sofia knows how to push me to my absolute maximum. I have almost cried a couple of times, but I always feel strong and amazing afterwards, and I appreciate that she pushes me even further than I think is physically possible sometimes.

With my newfound free time, I'm also trying out new hobbies. I'm doing yoga on my own (which I would have never thought I was capable of even a few months ago), I started to cross stitch, and I'm reading more. It's important to constantly learn and challenge yourself to be the best version of yourself that you can be. It's never too late to start learning something new!

On that note, I am heading back to the US tomorrow, and in July I am heading to Bali for a yoga teacher training. Again, I wouldn't have thought I was capable of this even a few months ago, but I am following my passion, and I look forward to where it'll take me.

Physically challenging myself

Mentally challenging myself (If you speak Greek, don't look at lime, because google translate led me astray, haha)