Transformation

Before going to Bali I had read about different yoga teacher training programs and chatted with various people about their experiences. I wanted some idea of what I was about to get into. One common theme that everyone mentioned is that besides becoming certified to teach yoga, you’ll likely go through a transformation on a personal level as well.

Having heard this, I arrived in Bali with an open heart, ready to learn more about myself and what I can offer to others. I can definitely say that the transformation was significant.

I arrived with a lot of self doubt and skepticism. I was afraid of being the worst in the class, of not being flexible enough for the postures, and of not being fit enough to endure three and half weeks of yoga multiple times daily. In addition to the program, I added a few extra challenges for myself. I vowed not to eat meat or drink alcohol for the duration of the program.

The first week was the most difficult for me. I struggled immensely as I constantly compared myself to everyone, convincing myself that I was by far the worst at yoga in the class. I was mentally drowning in my own negative thoughts and was also inhibiting my own progress.

As the program progressed, I began to realize what was happening and I worked to change my outlook and attitude. It’s astonishing how changing my thought pattern completely changed my entire experience. Rather than looking around at what everyone else was doing, I looked inward and focused on my personal path and learning as much as I could.

The importance of meeting yourself where you are has never been so clear to me. By focusing on my own progress, unrelated to where everyone else was in their practice, I was able to see myself improve and celebrate my own little victories, like when I was able to touch my hands flat on the ground and when I got into a headstand on my first try.

As I continue my yoga practice, I am reminded again and again that it is a practice, and that I need to meet myself where I am on a daily basis. Only then can I truly benefit from both the physical and mental benefits of yoga, and only then can I continue to learn and grow into the teacher I strive to be.

With my instructor on the day I passed the final exam for my JogaYoga Yoga Teacher Training program.

Σιγά σιγά (slowly slowly)

Patience is one of the virtues that I have struggled with for a while. Like many people, I crave instant results. With my yoga practice I’ve had to learn patience with my flexibility, since I’m not a naturally flexible person and it takes time to see results.

In addition to patience with my body, I’ve been working on patience with myself as I’m going through a lot of life changes. Oftentimes I put pressure on myself to have everything figured out, but the more pressure I put on myself the worse off I am.

When I left Facebook in March, one of the things I was dealing with was stress, but almost all of it was self-induced. I wanted to be the best version of myself, which is a good thing, but I would set unrealistic expectations for myself and be frustrated and disappointed when I didn’t measure up.

As I was leaving, I finally began to realize that I was putting myself through all the agony and stress for no reason. It’s important to challenge yourself to be great, but there’s no benefit from being too hard on yourself and setting unrealistic expectations. Instead of motivating me, it was backfiring and causing me to feel like a failure and not good enough.

Something similar happened the other day, and I had to laugh at myself. I really wanted to get a photo of myself doing a headstand, and since I was alone, I was using the self timer on my phone. Every time I pressed the button, I rushed to try and get in a headstand, and every time I stressed myself out and fell.

After about five or six attempts, I finally stopped myself and realized what was happening. I know how to do a headstand. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I was trying to rush myself and was putting too much pressure on myself.

As soon as I realized that, I slowed down, took a deep breathe, got into the headstand on my first try, and got the picture. The funny thing is that it ended up being a pretty unflattering photo, and I actually like the outtakes better. :)

Any time I find myself getting stressed out or worked up, I try to slow down, take a step back, take a deep breath, and come at the situation with a relaxed and calm mind.

When I was trying to rush myself it definitely didn't work. Once I saw what was happening, I literally laughed at myself and took a selfie to document it.

Yoga - It's a Practice

Yesterday was an incredible day. We had a restorative yet challenging yoga flow in the morning, I went to get a coffee and smoothie bowl and review for the exam during the lunch break, and then I had the best body high from our afternoon class of inversions. I ended the night by going to the spa and alternating between the sauna and cold plunge - an invigorating way to revitalize my body.

I absolutely loved this entire week! Janice Liou is an incredible teacher. I was completely intimidated after seeing her instagram pictures, but she is so down to earth, approachable, and truly has an incredible approach to teaching. She encourages the use of props (which I need for basically every flexibility focused pose), and she empowered me to move deeper in my practice without making me feel bad for not being flexible.

Another reason that I loved this week is because of the style of yoga we did. While it did have a lot of flexibility aspects (it is yoga after all), it seemed to be more strength focused. I felt so excited to try new poses for the first time and actually be able to do them! I was up in a headstand almost as soon as I attempted it, and I was making progress with the other inversions. As I was excelling at the inversions I began to feel more confident in my practice.

This morning I was brought back down to where I was at the beginning of the training. We had an ashtanga vinyasa session, and I realized again how far I am from where I want to be. I can hardly do any of the poses in the sequence correctly, and since there’s a vinyasa between every pose, it’s very difficult to use props and move through the sequence smoothly. I was almost in tears a few times as I began to lose confidence and slink back down to comparing myself with the rest of the class.

I once again got sucked into believing that I don’t belong here and that I’m useless at yoga. Towards the very end of the practice, however, we did one pose that I can actually do! Headstand! The teacher also gave us the extra challenge of slowly lowering our legs to 90 degrees for a hold. I didn’t think I had the core strength to do it, but I did!

While I’m still struggling this morning with my self-destructive thoughts and negativity, I’m trying to remember that it’s called yoga practice because you’re always learning. I do want to maintain the positive energy that I get from inversions, and I need to again focus on what I can do instead of what I can’t, and just keep practicing. I’m very excited for the inversion workshop with Janice this afternoon!

Janice Liou, a pose I feel confident in, and one that needs much more practice

Don't Forget to Have Fun

If you know me well then you know that when I get excited I have a hard time keeping it to myself. I often blurt out, “I’m so happy right now!” or “I’m so excited!” Yesterday was one of those days.

I’ve been in Bali for two weeks now, and while I’m loving it, I’ve been extremely focused on working hard to get my yoga teacher certification. Obviously that’s the reason I’m here, but I got so caught up in the program that I forgot that I’m in Bali, and that it’s ok to have fun as well.

The program runs Monday-Saturday from 7am-7pm, with Saturday afternoon excursions and Sundays off. We do have a few breaks during the day, but I’ve been so focused on the tests at the end of the program that I’ve constantly been feeling guilty if I’m not studying or working on my sequence for the class I’ll have to teach.

Yesterday was my second day off, and it was the first time that I truly let myself go and forget about the training. I went to the beach with a few friends in a town 30 minutes away, and we shopped in the markets, sat at a cafe on the beach for hours, drank out of coconuts, and I went surfing. (Side note: I had SO much fun surfing! I haven’t been in years, but I felt so alive in the water and was surprised at how many waves I caught!)

Taking this time to let go of my stress and truly enjoy the day was a great reminder to be in the moment. Yes I’ll dedicate time to study and focus on the program, but it’s also important to give myself breaks and leave room for spontaneous adventures. These are the moments that I’ll cherish and remember. Not only did I have an amazing time, but I felt rejuvenated and started today refreshed and excited to get back into my yoga practice.

Learning Patience from Yin Yoga

I’m not going to lie, the first two Yin yoga classes I took here were absolutely miserable. I had never taken a Yin yoga class before, and in it you basically hold poses for 5 minutes each, aiming to relax into the pose to get a deep stretch into your connective tissue.

The first class was focused on hip opening, and it was absolute torture. Because of the tightness in my hips and lower back, I was unable to properly do literally every single pose. I was supposed to be relaxing into each pose, but I could hardly get halfway into the poses, let alone relax into them. As we moved through the class I was frustrated and was again losing hope in my ability to do yoga.

Since we have Yin yoga class every night, I was hoping that I’d be able to figure out a way to enjoy it at some point, and last night I finally figured it out!

I’ve been working all week on accepting my body for what it is and appreciating what I can do instead of what I can’t. The thing I finally realized about Yin is that I need to let go of my expectations and embrace the use of props to meet my body where it is.

Instead of looking to see how everyone else looks in each pose, I close my eyes and focus on what I can do to get my body as close to the pose as possible, even if it seems unattainable. As you can see in the picture below, forward folds aren’t easy for me.

While some people are able to easily bend forward and touch their heads to the floor, it’ll be a while before I get there, if ever. So instead I use as many props as it takes for me to be able to relax into the pose and breathe.

While Yin yoga isn’t my favorite, I’m grateful that I finally found a way to get through it and even enjoy it. Last night I left class feeling hopeful, because even though it takes a bolster and two blocks to support my forward fold, at least I can relax enough to breathe and slowly move further with each breath.